Getting to Know Me, Getting to Live Passionately

A few months ago, I left a scene showcase that I thoroughly enjoyed feeling...depressed? This may seem counterintuitive, but as it turns out, for me feeling down after watching a dance performance or a play was actually a very familiar experience--although one I hadn't felt in years.

But this was the first time in my life that I was aware that I was leaving with a heavy feeling in my heart, triggering a flood of memories of previous instances. 

I suddenly remembered the many times in my life -- from elementary school to college -- where  I experienced the mixed emotions of admiration, envy, self-pity, ambition, self-doubt as a spectator watching a play, or a band rocking out , or a hip-hop troupe wowing the crowd. What I realized at that point was how much I wanted to be on stage and to perform. Specifically, to act and to dance hip-hop.

Looking back, some of my most memorable moments in life involved being in the spotlight--all of these during high school. Performing entertaining "duos" in speech & debate competitions; or expressing myself in a stand-up comedy skit I did for my drama class in front of peers and teachers who had never seen my "vulgar" sexually free side; or even taking on the role of "witness" in mock trial competitions. But because I was never in tune with my passion to be on stage, I didn't know to give it my all or to pursue mastery (much less how) and as a result these experiences were limited in their fulfillment. 

There are many reasons why lived much of my life disconnected from my own feelings, resulting in not pursuing life passions and other fulfilling experiences and even rejections! Thankfully through years of growth, I'm now able to connect to what I'm feeling more than ever before. And I have friends there to hear me out and help me talk through it.

In the next few months I plan to save up and enroll in a class. Maybe I'll finally shine, whether I'm good or not. Or maybe I'll learn that I wasn't so passionate about performing after all. But no matter what, at least I'll have fulfilled a strong desire and fed my soul, instead of living life starving my spirit.